A Jack, A Joker and our Ace: Tiny Mike

Where to even begin this post. I doubt this post will have all the details of everything that happened but I will try my very best!
This pregnancy was one for the books. Since the day after we found out we were pregnant, it seemed that trials just lined up to knock on our door. I don't say that to complain, just to journal. So for journaling, I am just going to list everything: I had to go in super early for an ultrasound due to high bleeding, Mark had issues at his job (which have since been resolved), Annie was in speech therapy cause she was not talking at all, our identity was stolen and we had to resolve all of that, I was in a car accident that totaled the car so we had to get a new one, my prenatal anxiety and pregnancy depression was more intense than all the other pregnancies combined, I had to have a tooth pulled and an implant placed while pregnant so they couldn't give me the good drugs to recover, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes which insurance would not cover education and meeting with diabetes management so I had to go to maternal fetal medicine where they said the ultrasound showed high likelihood of downs syndrome so we had another blood test which came back negative, and then a few more regular day to day life things that just felt compounded with everything else. Each time something would happen we would think "Ok, that has to be the last of the trials, right?" But I knew something was off. Something was not right with the pregnancy or something would be wrong with the baby. In fact one night I woke up Mark as I was sobbing and said "Mark, I think I am going to bleed out during this labor and die." Another time I told him I didn't think I would be coming home with a baby. And the interesting thing is, we were not sure if we were done at three kids but after fasting and praying both Mark and I had the same experience to give us the answer we needed to have another baby. And honestly, I am grateful for that experience because through it all we knew this baby was special and we needed him in our life. We also didn't know the gender and were super excited to be surprised in the delivery room.
So fast forward through all of those things and working through the emotional, physical and financial toll it took, we made it to Jack's baptism in May. I was due July 4 but was told there was no way they would let me go that long with the issues I was having. We had a wonderful baptism weekend, hosted family and as we said goodbye we talked about having less than 2 months till baby came. I remember joking with my mom that she should just stay with us until the baby came...little did we know.
Everyone went home on Saturday the 19th and on Wednesday the 23rd Luke had his last soccer game of the season. We went as a family for the first time cause the weather was nice and it just felt good to be out and about. The next morning my sister watched my kids who weren't in school and Mark and I went for a follow up at maternal fetal medicine and my regular doctor. Everything looked good at the regular doctor but at MFM my blood pressure was elevated. No idea why my doctor didn't catch it or see it as elevated or why it became so high. They tested it again and decided they need to keep me for 24 hour observation at the hospital. I made the calls I needed to, set up childcare for the rest of the day until Mark could get home and we checked in to the hospital. Since it was only 24 hours I had Mark come back later that night with just a few things to get me through the night. My blood pressure was not cooperating and was actually going up. At one point it was 189/110. Basically I was diagnosed with hypertension and preeclampsia and by Friday the 25th they said they had to deliver the baby. What?! I cried and cried and tried to argue but to no avail. At 34 weeks I was terrified of the safety of the baby. But they all but told me I could have a stroke at any moment and then how safe would baby be. NICU people came in to talk to me and explain baby would have to go straight there as soon as he was born. That was hard to hear but I already knew it anyway.
My mom and dad drove back down to stay with the kids and I was induced on Friday late morning as soon as Mark could come back. I had nothing I thought I needed for the hospital but it turns out you don't need much. All the to-go bag things I thought were so necessary, even silly things like getting a pedicure, which was tradition for my labors, really don't mean anything when you are worried about the baby being ok.
They started me on pitocin and Mark and I did our best to be grateful for modern medicine and preventative measures. I had a few visitors and my kids were in good hands with my mom and dad. I thought for sure baby would come fast once they broke my water. Without going in to too much detail, 32 hours later and still at a 4 brought on a lot of discouragement, fear and tears. By Saturday afternoon the decision was made to do a c section. And I cried even more. I did NOT want that and was so scared but was exhausted and helpless at that point.
I won't go in to too much detail about the next 24 hours as it was scary and personal and not something I feel I want to share with the world but will give enough to know the timeline. They prepped me for a c section and Mark got all dressed up in his gown. I was so delirious from fatigue and fear I also can't remember a ton. I know the epidural had been going for so long that itmade it so I could feel everything so they had to give me something stronger to start surgery. At some point I passed out and vaguely remember hearing that the baby was here and safe and a boy. Mark asked me the name but I didn't answer and when he said "It is Michael David?" Mark told me I said yes...again I don't remember. I went in and out of consciousness and knew that Mark was with the baby in the NICU. I don't have any pictures of me with him cause again, I was passed out and he was so little he had to be whisked away. I remember hearing the doctors talking about their kids and activities for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend but they had no idea I was awake while asleep which was a weird feeling. I started to come to as they wheeled me back to my room where Mark met me in the hall. I could tell he had been crying happy tears and he then showed me pictures of our baby. He was so cute! And so small. He came in at 4 lbs 5 oz and 16 inches long. He looked a bit blond and reminded me so much of Luke. I started making phone calls as they set me up in my room and I know I was super drugged and acting weird but my baby was here and all was well. After an hour and a half all that changed.
I was on the phone with someone and started to not feel well. There was only Mark, me and a nurse in the room. I hung up my phone and got Mark's attention and said "I don't feel good Mark." The look on his face said it all but he calmly said "Nurse...Jacque doesn't feel so great." He said my lips were white and I was sweating. Everything after this is a blur so I can't go in to much detail. Plus it is not the most fun thing to try and remember.
Within a minute there were 10+ people in my room; specialists, phlebotomists, my doctor had been called back from home, and lots of nurses. Bags of blood were hung as I went in and out of consciousness. The head nurse kept yelling at me to stay with them and kept shaking my shoulders. All I wanted was to see Mark and then sleep. I would look in his eyes, tell him I loved him and then pass out. All the while people were working as fast as possible to hang blood and stop the bleeding. I lost more than half of my blood but eventually they were able to stop the crisis. I remember an anesthesiologist sitting on the edge of the couch, chin in his hands as he stared at my face watching for any more signs of distress. I started to come to and the room started to empty. I was still extremely out of it but heard a small baby cry and realized they were wheeling in my tiny Mike. They let me do skin to skin and my numbers and Mike's numbers started to improve drastically. It was a special moment. They took him back and for the next 24 hours I was monitored closely. I had CTs, ultrasounds, a D and C and eventually had to be taken back in the OR where they fixed the problem, although I have no idea how. I had to be on oxygen for a few days (which I hated!) and blood pressure medication cause I was still spiking. Eventually I was able to go to the mother baby floor which was awful cause my baby was in the NICU. I was super swollen, couldn't sit up on my own and dealing with some serious PTSD. My doctor told me if I had been at any other smaller type hospital that I would not have lived through it all. That was intense and scary to hear. She even said after all the years she has done deliveries, my post delivery experience was one for HER books.
Mike was doing well and I tried to visit him as much as I could. I didn't want visitors outside of my family but loved the times they were able to come and see me. After three more days I was released from the hospital to go home and hated every second of my goodbye with Mike. But Mark and I left and prayed Mike would be well taken care of. He stayed in the NICU for three weeks and I was able to go see him every day but one. Those car rides there were long and painful and the car rides home were distressing and lonely. I hated seeing him hooked up to so many machines but honestly he was getting better every day. We had to learn not to rock him or stroke him cause it is too overwhelming for a premie and we watched for signs that he was overwhelmed, like sneezing, going stiff and of course vitals dropping or rising dramatically. We did his cares when we made it on time which included changing his diaper, weighing him, taking his temp and switching monitors to the other foot so the light bulb wouldn't burn him. We worked on nursing, getting him used to a bottle so he could get the tube out of his nose and we tried to wean him off oxygen. We got daily update phone calls on how he was doing and each time I went in I took the milk I had pumped from the day before.
Then the phone call came that we could come stay the night and take him home on Father's day. Mark couldn't stay the whole night cause he had to be home with the other three but he stayed fairly late with us in the transition mother/baby room. Mike and I slept in the same room and learned each other's schedules. Morning came, Mark drove back to get us and we left with our tiny 5 lb baby. Sadly he had to come home on oxygen and remained on it for the next two months into the middle of August. It limited our mobility inside the house and of course leaving the house. I will forever hate the sound of his beeping monitor when his heart rate or oxygen got too low. But I am glad we had it to know if and when he was in distress. My mom had stayed with us for the entire three weeks he was in the NICU and then a week later Mark's mom came and stayed for a week. I tried to rest and get better but also still had to be a wife and mother. Mark was superman and handled way more than should have been asked of him. I went through grieving stages and every hour was a new emotional or physical battle. One week after returning home while everyone was at church except me, my incision started bleeding. I text Mark "come home fast...I might pass out before you get here." He ran home and helped clean me up and get me back in bed and we watched it for the next few hours to make sure everything was ok which it ended up being.
The kids were amazing!!! They loved meeting him, visiting him in the hospital and eventually welcoming him home. Luke would just sit and hold him for hours. Annie loved to look at him and poke his little fingers while giggling and Jack would stand watch or read to him as the protective older brother. They were so helpful and did anything and everything we needed them to do. It helped that we had just finished our basement so they could go down there and play to their hearts' content and not worry about being too loud or leaving a mess. Leaving the house wasn't high on my priority with a premie on oxygen so Mark took the kids on outings when he would come home from work and made sure their summer wasn't miserable. I did a lot of crying, healing, sleeping, worrying and praying. Eventually I adding counting my blessings to that list and learning to function as a human. But those things came much later.
There are a lot of things I have not mentioned...a lot of thing intentionally left out and some left out because my memories of that time are skewed and messed up due to some of the drugs they gave me. But the story of tiny Mike is one that I will never forget and know that he and I have a special connection and bond because of everything. I know we have a long road ahead...trying to get him bigger and stronger and trying to work through a lot of PTSD and physical pain for me. But we can do it, one day at a time.

Now for the pictures!